I ultimately ceased using the apps once the summer ended to focus more on my last year of law school, but now that school is over I am thinking about how I want to resume these efforts. Not helping matters is that I live with my brother, who has been going on dates and has had better luck on the first date alone, even though it has not yet led to anything serious for him. I know I want to find a serious relationship, but I am pessimistic about my chances of finding one.

I just do not know how to approach this matter. I feel like the problem lies in both my lack of experience and my mindset toward the situation, because I know this bothers me way more than it should. What do you think I should do? Confused and Looking for Love.

To you, your being a virgin is like a giant neon sign, a scarlet V blinking overhead. The thing is though: Your virginity is pretty much irrelevant to most of this. Did you get a girlfriend out of it? Dating, and online dating in particular , is a game of numbers. Rejection, as much as it may sting at first, is part of the game. Welcome to dating; wear a helmet. Not investing in the importance of each individual date at the get-go is key. Your brother has a lot of dating success because he goes on a lot of dates.

Like shooting a shotgun, the more lead you throw out there, the more likely you are to hit something. Neither is 99 per cent of the population. Every first date is a lot of fumbling in the dark and feeling around, trying to see how much of you meshes up with how much of them.

Put yourself out there and go on more dates. Hi Doctor! I tend to crack bro-ish jokes, and I find myself laughing at what is usually considered crass. Should I learn to embrace myself more in front of them? Or are they just homophobic? Unsurely Insecure. The second thing is that your own discomfort may be affecting them, too. Feeling uncomfortable and awkward can lead to others feeling equally uncomfortable.

A lot of people tend to take their cues from the folks around them — if one person is at ease, the others tend to follow. So what should you do? Keep in mind: You may well need some time to figure out who that is. But as long as you feel safe, be your out self and let others deal with it. Realising they have a gay friend may well make some of these folks reconsider how they talk and think about gay men and women. Hey there, Doc. I need some advice about a complicated situation.

So we flirted a bit with each other, although he flirted with me far more often than I flirted with him. Aiming to offset the toxic masculinity of The Red Pill and men's rights activists, O'Malley encourages healthy platonic and romantic relationships, with video games being a shared interest in which to connect and remain connected with fellow geeks. In this episode, I chat with Dr. NerdLove about his evolution from pick-up artist to feminist; how to meet geeks in World of Warcraft or PAX East; what games can keep a long-distance relationship going; whether to list your favorite games in your OkCupid online dating profile; how to negotiate and compromise when your partner doesn't share your interests; and why dating sims aren't good dating trainers.

Uploaded by Ken Gagne on June 25, Internet Archive logo A line drawing of the Internet Archive headquarters building façade. Search icon An illustration of a magnifying glass. User icon An illustration of a person's head and chest. Sign up Log in. Web icon An illustration of a computer application window Wayback Machine Texts icon An illustration of an open book.

Books Video icon An illustration of two cells of a film strip. Video Audio icon An illustration of an audio speaker. Audio Software icon An illustration of a 3. It's very simple, with no more than two lines per section. This makes it lean, mean and - critically - more interesting than the usual "'sup biznatch? You start with a greeting. Personally, I like "Hey, you seem like you're cool, and I wanted to say 'hi,'" but you should have one that matches your personality.

Next, bring up something from her profile that caught your attention: "I noticed that you're a fan of retro video games and built your own MAME cabinet… that's awesome! Make sure it's something that can actually spur a conversation, not a question that can be answered with a simple "yes" or "no.

Tip: Don't challenge her to prove something, especially if she's into geeky stuff and definitely don't try to neg her with a left-handed compliment.

It's a stupid PUA trick that not only doesn't work but will actively piss women off. At best, you'll get your email tossed in the trash. At worst, you end up as a new post on a "Creepy Guys of Online Dating" tumblr. With all that said, it doesn't matter if you've got Cyrano De Bergerac writing your messages if your profile is a mess.

First: Audit your photos. Most dating sites will send a thumbnail of your primary photo with your message. This can make the difference between her clicking through to check your profile or skipping to the next bachelor on the list. It's vitally important that you use a photo that makes the right impression. Your main profile photo should be a clear shot of you by yourself—preferably a headshot—on a clean or solid background.

It also helps to be wearing something with a bright splash of color to make your thumbnail stand out from the crowd.

Your other photos should be the ones that make you look like you're fun to be with. Include at least one full body shot. And absolutely no "check these abs" selfies. Seriously, they make you look like a douchebag. Second: You want to purge your profile of anything that will turn women away. Imagine you work for an advertising firm. You don't sell chips by saying "They're decent enough, I guess. You sell it by making people think about how awesome their life would be if they had it.

When you're writing an online dating profile, you're advertising yourself, and nobody is going to buy a product that can barely tolerate its own existence.

If you're full of negativity, bitterness or an entitled attitude, women will hit the back button so fast that time will warp. Even self-deprecating humor is going to read as "thanks for noticing a loser like me," so toss it.

And there should never be any references to your sexin' skills, cunnilingus, cock size, or your skill at full-body rubdowns. Not only will nobody believe you or want to find out if it's true , but it's goddamn creepy.

What's going on, Kotaku? Hello and welcome to the first installment of Ask Dr. NerdLove , an advice column specifically for your geeky relationship issues. To kick things off, this week we're going to talk a little about getting the results you want from online dating. I'm a video game programmer, and general nerd, and I've come to the age where I would like to get a girlfriend.

My industry and social circles are not very abundant with potential dates, so I've turned to Match. However, after using it for six months Paid , I've heard nothing from anyone, and every message I've sent has been ignored. I think my profile is fine, as I don't go out of my way to geek out about any one thing, and I don't try to paint myself as someone I'm not either.

I have some trouble trying to figure out what to put in the messages I've sent, so I've tried everything from long and specific messages to simple "Hey, how was your day? I'm not overweight I'm actually skinny and I'm not ugly, so I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing wrong. Online Dating Newbie. There are a metric ton of reasons why women don't respond to a dating site email, but the most common is that your message - or your profile - didn't intrigue her enough to want to reply Let's start with messages.

Women get deluged with messages - often rife with "creative" approaches to spelling and creepy sexual come-ons - which means that you need to make yours shine. If you can't catch and hold her attention right off the bat, then you're going to get passed over like Brussels sprouts at a Golden Corral buffet.

Most emails either go too long and ramble or are just "hi i like ur face. It's very simple, with no more than two lines per section. This makes it lean, mean and - critically - more interesting than the usual "'sup biznatch? You start with a greeting. Personally, I like "Hey, you seem like you're cool, and I wanted to say 'hi,'" but you should have one that matches your personality.

Next, bring up something from her profile that caught your attention: "I noticed that you're a fan of retro video games and built your own MAME cabinet… that's awesome! Make sure it's something that can actually spur a conversation, not a question that can be answered with a simple "yes" or "no.

Tip: Don't challenge her to prove something, especially if she's into geeky stuff and definitely don't try to neg her with a left-handed compliment. It's a stupid PUA trick that not only doesn't work but will actively piss women off. At best, you'll get your email tossed in the trash.

At worst, you end up as a new post on a "Creepy Guys of Online Dating" tumblr. With all that said, it doesn't matter if you've got Cyrano De Bergerac writing your messages if your profile is a mess. First: Audit your photos. Most dating sites will send a thumbnail of your primary photo with your message. This can make the difference between her clicking through to check your profile or skipping to the next bachelor on the list. It's vitally important that you use a photo that makes the right impression.

Your main profile photo should be a clear shot of you by yourself—preferably a headshot—on a clean or solid background. It also helps to be wearing something with a bright splash of color to make your thumbnail stand out from the crowd. Your other photos should be the ones that make you look like you're fun to be with.

Include at least one full body shot. And absolutely no "check these abs" selfies. Seriously, they make you look like a douchebag. Second: You want to purge your profile of anything that will turn women away. Imagine you work for an advertising firm. You don't sell chips by saying "They're decent enough, I guess. You sell it by making people think about how awesome their life would be if they had it. When you're writing an online dating profile, you're advertising yourself, and nobody is going to buy a product that can barely tolerate its own existence.

If you're full of negativity, bitterness or an entitled attitude, women will hit the back button so fast that time will warp. Even self-deprecating humor is going to read as "thanks for noticing a loser like me," so toss it.

And there should never be any references to your sexin' skills, cunnilingus, cock size, or your skill at full-body rubdowns. Not only will nobody believe you or want to find out if it's true , but it's goddamn creepy. There is nothing that will make the possibility of sex disappear in a cloud of sulfur and loneliness faster than talking about how much you love going down in your profile. When in doubt, check this handy list of common online dating mistakes. If you're doing anything on that list, you need to change it immediately.

Third: You want to practice good dating search optimization. Most dating sites let you narrow your searches to more than just height, weight, body type and location. They're in the business of helping you find the red-headed Pastafarian opera singer of your dreams, so it's in their interest to let you be as specific as possible.

As a result, most sites will let you search for keywords. This is where the dating search optimization comes in: You want to make sure that those desirable keywords appear prominently in your dating profile. If, for example, you're hoping to date a fellow gamer, you want them to be able to find you , right?

Think about the sort of people you want to date. What are they going to be looking for? What search terms are they likely to be using? Those are your keywords. If you're not sure which ones to use, do your research: Check out the profiles of people you're attracted to. See where their interests lie and make sure that you have an easily identifiable reference in your profile too. Just remember: these are examples. You want to make sure that you're listing interests you actually have, not laying bait for one specific person.

If you lie about your mutual interest in manatee breeding, she's going to be pretty pissed when she starts talking shop on the first date and you can't follow along.

Last but not least: you need to remember to show, not tell. If you're funny, don't just say "I'm funny," let your wit shine through your profile. If you're athletic or adventurous, have profile photos that show you playing soccer or visiting Praya Kahn. If you're a geek and looking to date other geeks, drop a few geek references in.

Mention your love of Assassin's Creed or your zombie apocalypse plan. When in doubt, just remember: You're selling a product to others. Make sure that you're making your advertising as clear and as enticing as possible and you'll have much more success.

If you have online dating stories of your own to share, let's hear about them in the comments. And we'll see you in two weeks with more of your dating questions! Ask Dr. Nerdlove is Kotaku's bi-weekly advice column for matters of the heart, hosted by the one and only Harris O'Malley, AKA Dr. Got a question you'd like answered? Write doc doctornerdlove. com and put "Kotaku" in the subject line. Man, woman, single, married, he's got advice for everyone. Harris O'Malley is a writer and dating coach who provides geek dating advice at his blog Paging Dr.

NerdLove and the Dr. NerdLove podcast. He is also a regular guest at One Of Us. He can be found dispensing snark and advice on Facebook and on Twitter at DrNerdLove. Nerdlove is not really a doctor. The A. Club Deadspin Gizmodo Jalopnik Jezebel Kotaku Lifehacker Quartz The Root The Takeout The Onion The Inventory.

About Kotaku Store. By Harris O'Malley. Hey Doc, I'm a video game programmer, and general nerd, and I've come to the age where I would like to get a girlfriend.

The Week In Games: Enter The Splatlands. Xenoblade Chronicles 3 's Most Deliciously Cringe Moments.

Man, woman, single, married, he's got advice for everyone. NerdLove , a dating coach who gives advice to geeks of all stripes via his blog, podcast, YouTube channel, and column for Kotaku. Second: You want to purge your profile of anything that will turn women away. When in doubt, just remember: You're selling a product to others. If, for example, you're hoping to date a fellow gamer, you want them to be able to find you , right?

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